What a month March has been!  I haven’t been sure if its due to the Covid scene, the news from Ukraine, the full moon, the time change, the shift in seasons … but yikes!  It has felt these last few weeks as if I suddenly ran into a very solid wall  – one of strange events and coincidences. So much so that the self-doubt and misgivings over some of my choices from the last 10 years were running rampant.  What on earth did I think I had been playing at?!   Why did I think, so to speak, that self-employment had been a good idea?  

It seems to be true, doesn’t it, that at certain points in our life we all encounter these kinds of doubts?  For some it happens suddenly, at the time of a major life event.  For others, the doubts are insidious, plaguing them for years.  The feelings of wrong turns taken, missed cues, not grabbing on quickly enough to a briefly offered opportunity – all of that.

Self-doubt can be debilitating. It’s pretty easy, at those times, to just shut down and give up, isn’t it?  None of us really want to face down the lions, tigers and bears we encounter. Easier to run away! To name these publicly and be so vulnerable really hurts the pride.  I know I would rather keep such things hidden … but at the same time it seems important to note that we all go through it, regardless of our credentials or experience. We can’t be human and not do so.

I first encountered Thomas Merton in my early 30s, when I was going through a very rough spell.  To be blunt, he kept me alive spiritually.  I learned this prayer here by heart then, and it has cycled in and out of my consciousness ever since in times of difficulty.

I well know the road I have been asked to walk is not a main highway!  It certainly isn’t well-paved, and I usually feel as if I am stumbling along in the semi-dark.  All I can do is hope that I am discerning correctly, and am actually following God’s call for my life.  But I don’t know for sure – and for me, when I am ignored, or I am derided because of my efforts (especially by those who should know better), my certitude is definitely shaken.  When materially my efforts gain me only pennies, despite all the money I laid out for an education and training, I want to howl in protest.  When I see the fame and honor others with my credentials are getting, while I feel overlooked, I want to fall to the ground in defeat.  I just don’t know, at those times, if I can continue to trust in a God who seems to have forgotten me.

Yet Christians will (hopefully) recognize in this the path of Jesus.  It is often very difficult, in our own lives, to walk that road with him.  We are told it is a privilege to do so, but let’s be honest, we many times don’t like it – at all!  I often forget, when things are going well, how hard that path can be.  Thank goodness for those “badass saints” who had the resilience to admit the difficulties, shake off the hurt, and march back into the fray, giving us an example of how it is done.  Because it is that messiness to which they were (and we are) called; in the midst of the difficulties they followed their vocation. 

I may never again be asked to preach in a church, or even to do a presentation to a group there; I may never again teach a college-level course, or write another praiseworthy book; what I WILL do, I know, is make every effort to continue to keep myself focused on God, trusting God is leading me along … even through the fog of unknowing.  What I WILL know is that despite the doubts, the fact that I think I am doing what I am meant to, means a great deal indeed. To God, and hopefully to some others too.

What else is more important that I could possibly do? 

Bring on April … and Easter!